jeudi 27 décembre 2018

Last days of the year


Image result for spare me

Last days of the year" I wish next year will be better". Yall we hear that some many times. I am pretty sure you do your year so if that was worse it was probably because of your choices.

I feel peaceful enough to say that yes we want peace all over the world but yes first guys we need to eradicate money and economy because they are based on greediness.
Then what about violence oh god if Love could be acting that would make go away wars and even domestic violence.

Yes humans we have plan for so much things but when you loose someone of a double cancer you say it wasnt my mom but I feel as if she was. And you wish you can erase illnesses of all sorts and suffering resulting in death.

I never thought a minute to write my goals on paper I am not selfish I am not turn to me for once. I wanna let out that stupid idea that I will change the world. But God will and that is my belief it will be soon the power of GOD that will erase all we can't change now.

For a lot of you he didn't exist well you have choice to not believe. Let me say I am not a dreamer not at all. I won't do list for january because I won't keep my goals. A goal is adjustable yeah guys it is versatile like we are.

So I make the last days fo the year count as much as the other days and let me savor an afternoon on my sofa with my cat behind my computer. Yeah December to me has nothing special but just the taste of a quiet month that soon ending.

ps: don't wish me a happy new year will it be happy to me?  I am just thinking of snowy days and also rains ain't really happy I dislike winter.

lundi 1 janvier 2018

What I would say to you: First day of the year




Today, it is Monday January 1st. I am truly blessed to be alive. That is in itself a huge gift specially when depression is here.
People think of new goals to get this year. I decided to have no major goals. Instead I want small but significant goals:

- move my body
-declutter my room
-strive to cut negativity off

Otherwise I just try to not focus about my past. The door is closed go and find a new one on your way. In the meantime I gather knowledge about one interest of mine and I realize why I choose to write.

It is not only to say stories it enhance my health (just reading books about this subject by the professor James Pennebacker), it clear my vision of the future.

My goal is by writting this work is to show how a person who suffer of depression and self depreciation can keep going despite all what this person live.

I wish I can say what I feel without apprehension of fear of being categorized. I felt encourage by a book about  and from Matt Haig reason to stay alive where he talk about his experience about depression. Rarely men speak about that topic.

I know I become strange among those who live "normally" their life. I think nothing is better than to observe notice and reflect. Nothing more important than that.

Truly saying the things I conseal in my innermost is what I WOULD SAY TO YOU.

I promise I will.

jeudi 17 août 2017

The two edged girl



I was moving in a new neighborhood last year and  tried to accomodate to the new house and surroundings. I walked outside with my dog.

I passed across this park full of trees and ways. It was a bit dark as it was nearly evening. Then suddenly a shadow cross my road and I couldn't tell if it was a shadow or a human. It swiflty move like in a slow running I retained my dog to bark. Then I realize it was a person.

Now I am not sure of what I saw but I felt surprised and overwhelmed by that swiflty move. Maybe I wasn't in the real world. Was I ?

I realize all the way that the life I have seen or this shadow must have got an origin. Who was that ? Who or was it a ghost?  My mind reminders went blurry since then. Do I have to stay in the blurry side?

I decided to chase this person I saw and I became aware that it would be hard. I got no indications no real ways to inquire. That made me feel weird. Why should I do that?

I felt a urge to follow that way without knowing why. I never told that to my friends and so that made me realize that the chase would be hard and long. I wanted to get answers to this simple question who are you moving shadow.

It took me several months before figuring out to get the beginning of an answers. That day came when a friend of mine talked to me through a social media chat. She said I know what you are chasing. It has a name in real. You make depersonnalisation it is a part of depression. I suffer from it times to times myself.

I realize it was me and only me with two differents "persons". I read and read about it till I really get aquainted with the idea of that happened to me. It took me months till I could tell the real things in my circle of friends. I also realize that the brain is well made with a clic button when it is too much.
Now, the life is like it is and at times I get back that second me that acco mpagnied me.

I jokingly call myself  the two edged girl. I am not crazy...I went through rough time. I know that fact and that won't make me feel weird or inadequate. I will embrace again the life as it is rough with a bit of smooth things too.

From the two edged girl


Note to the reader
I am not crazy but last winter I suffered of deep depersonnalisation and depression. I know things seems at time incredible but it is real story with a bit of my imagination running here.

A thanks to Grace Chan who told me what it was without you my friend I would  feel crazy you gave me so much strength by explaining me what it was. thanks my friend!!!

dimanche 18 décembre 2016

My real story: He nearly took my life away


Someone unconciously nearly took my life away. I am here to testify life can be versatile. Only one thing can make you vulnerable. I put my story into words because it is coming back and forth in my life since two years.

This young man threaten my life because HE WAS TEXTING WHILE DRIVING! Now I look warning spot on TV about that. When it happened to me there weren't. 11 years ago that wasn't that spread but it already existed.

What ennoy me the most is that my body recall deeply the stress induced by this carcrash. The falshbacks are very powerful. I thought I have been through this mess but apparently it isn't finished yet.
I walk along since almost 11 years...but all is coming back and forth.

I was supposed to die that December 20th 2005 but hopefully I was a warrior so that I am here. I have shed tears a thousand time. I got up on my feet. This why I will turn 30 next year.

So dear you who was at that time 19 who drove this yellow car: my body stuck up that day but My mind was strong. The only thing is that it will ever remember the threat you gave me by texting while driving!!!!

DECEMBER 20th 2005-DECEMBER 20th 2016
11 years and alive

mercredi 2 novembre 2016

Dysfunctional soul





"Silence is a place of great power and healing" Anonymus
Sometimes people tell you do this do that but you definetly can't. Your body don't want. It just screams silently and you get achy.

You don't say a word to others you just hear their advices.

You smile in a crowd. You know some can't understand. They can't understand your withdrawal, your cry of help, your behavior toward them.

They don't know you and they think they do. That make you angry when they say you are an hypocrite. You know you have understood who they are. Yeah sometimes they are too judgemental critical or deceived. They just can't help anyhow.

It is not your first withdrawal you got some before. You recharge and create that way. You have deep feelings hard to deal with. You need your time to care about you.

You are not dumb or lacking of relationship. You gave too much forgetting to give time to yourself. You get sometimes panic attacks so that even noises are too much to bear.

You are in your bubble...outside you prefer beeing silencious.

They think you are a DYSFUNCTIONNING SOUL but you know you are a WARRIOR SOUL!




mardi 25 octobre 2016

A letter to a beloved one




X/XX/2000

My dear,

I long after my return. The weather is hot maybe a bit too much. I gaze at the horizon life if I search you.
The vast ocean is colored of blue-green-greyed waves.
The smelling remember me of our first trip to the bay. I feel that love cannot be without you.

We train ourselves these last few days that was pretty exhausted (even if we are senior soldiers). My body ache today. I miss the BBQ of the Algreen but I am on duty.

How do you feel today? I am sure you'll read my strophes with smile on your face sign of a great pleasure.
I just miss your body warm and feminine. I just let my mind wander far of our camp to your curves. Your neck, your hips that a feminine body get. I smell your round scent. Let say I miss you that much.

Love I hope to be fit to be back and to enjoy with you. The fresh air remind me it is already night my lamp won't go further.

I'll be with you in dreams.

Your lover.

ALL MY WORK IS UNDER MY OWN TRADEMARK SO IF YOU WANNA PAST IT JUST COPY THE NAME OF THE BLOG AS WELL. THANKS FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING. https://alice-notebook.blogspot.com

Short story:The notebook

Once upon a Time in an unknown city live a man called Taylor. He get what is common in life. So common that one day he come to think that life was boring.

In fact his daily routine was very well organized and no disturbances came to change that fact. At the same time he wished to change it. Days after days his life seems gloomy and without taste. Nostalgia wrapped him more often so often that he didn't want to walk outside or make errands. His neighbors were afraid because he seemed more pale and more thin than before Death was at a corner.

A day he watches TV and see some advices against depression. Try to do Sport, try to engage himself in enjoyable activities. He says I will try it.

He try to get out every day to a park nearby. After several weeks he try to observe and recognize dog owners. He regularly do that. As for the enjoyable activity he take a pen and a notebook. Everyday on that park bank he wrote.

He was also jobless so he try to advertise to jobs as far as he could. Sometimes he was fed up try try and try again One time he came to that park bank so tired that he could have to sleep. But an old lady was sited there. He came and said:

-May I sit?
-For sure young man so do sit down please
-Thanks
-What are you doing?
-I come to break daily routine. I write a bit and take sun and fresh air?
-That's a good goal
-Do you know that being a writer take time and require hard job?
-I write for my pleasure only
-I am happy you did maybe one day I will read you. Really every author wrote for himself first. I mean the draft is something what you have plotted is important to lead your reader where you want.
-I write poetry
-In that case words rythms are important to convey feelings.
 -How you know that?
-I am an author of best sellers. I kept the essence of humanity to write. Some part of my books are real things I saw in life
-What's your name?
-Misty River. I have to go young man I think Doreen is back.
-Is that okay Mrs River?
-Yes I was talking with that young man?
-Hi I am Doreen
-She is my helper for my daily life you see I have difficulties to walk. I hope to see you dear? What's your name?
-Taylor Crampton;
Crampton was baffled was it the needed encounter to go ahead?

He did his way as a young writer writing plots short stories and novels. At first it was for himself  but then he battled to get an editor. He got good publicity.

Everyone was enthousiatic. Dedications were organized throughout the land.

The last he did was in his hometown. The shopping mall was crowded. People awaited in line. Taylor was emotional when he swa on the line an elderly lady and her helper. He called his agent.

-Could you pick up the old lady there. She cannot wait that long in line.
-Yes, right away

Approching her the assistant says
-Sorry Miss could you come with me? Mr Crampton want to sign your book yet.
-That's nice of Him
-You bought two books
-Yes one for me and one for my helper. Could you sign the first one to Misty River and the other for Lena please?
-Oh it is you Misty? Sorry I didn't think it was you.
-Don't be humble kid. Do you remember the park bank your wish to break the daily routine?
-Yes
-You do it.
-That was 10 years ago Leny please let them wait for me in a comfortable place. I really want to talk to them. After two hours he came to them in surch a happy mood.
The chauffeur take them to a coffee shop nearby where they took time to talk.
-So I have to thank you.
-What for boy?
-For having talke to me that day. I kept working and here is the result.
-You never realize something. I was already blind. I never told you. I thought that wasn't positive for both of us. I wanted to be positive to help you that worked. I continue to write. I dectate my secretary all what I imagine. I want to give you this (It was a book)
-Could you sign it please?
-With pleasure. Then dectated: to my young Taylor. Mysty. I also want to tell you my blindness never killed my wish to write. Any obstables can be good to find new way to enjoy life Taylor. Let nothing can change you.

Finally this is how unexpected encounters lead to good things. Never let things change you neither the life. Do what you want and all will be different.



ALL MY WORK IS UNDER MY OWN TRADEMARK SO IF YOU WANNA PAST IT JUST COPY THE NAME OF THE BLOG AS WELL. THANKS FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING. https://alice-notebook.blogspot.com